Throughout my life never really pondered on certain things recently. Most of my years I found myself not caring about my feelings. In a sense at this point in time i don't even understand myself. :/
Let me start off by saying that my biggest fear is being left out and alone. Ive been an outcast most of my life,and whenever a friendship with me would dwindle I'd break down and crumble at the thought of being tossed aside or just plain out ignored by someone who I once called friend.
The thing is that whenever there's a problem with any of my friendships most of the time it's my fault. I overreact a lot,and I have a tendency to lose my temper. My emotions flip like a coin everyday. At times I just don't feel like talking so I get mad,and make the people that care about me go away,but then I get lonely I realize what I do wrong,and regret every second of it. Despite it all, I always end up fucking up again. This has happened many times. I may have friends that will stick by me,but inside...there's always this doubt. The belief that I'll end up alone is constantly present amidst my feelings.
I may seem serious all the time,but in reality I'm just a depressed piece of shit,that sits in a puddle of his own sadness. I know not why I act this way on a regular. I'm a walking contradiction. People may say I'm not alone,but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way. The world is a big place...but nobody is the same.
I sometimes wonder if there was a reason for me being this backwards,but many events in my past made my belief in god vanish. My situation now being one of them,and the fact that no matter how much I've prayed in the past..no matter how much I hoped. The things I wish would never happen did,several times throughout my life.
In conclusion to my little rant of how I feel. To be honest I'll say I don't even know what I am. I don't know if I strayed from my path or if I had one to begin with. I'm just an emotionally frail 17 year old with no clue as to where he even wants to keep moving forward or not. What's even more painful is I'm getting hit with opinions I never even paid attention to..my mins going in a complete spiral