OC: Sapphire Beam

[Twilight Sparkle]

• "Arabs"
• Culture barriers
• Blantant racism
• Racial slurs
• Misogyny
• Fistfighting (especially over women) [also part of misogyny, implication of property/ownership]
• Police
• Jail

The list above are all things which exist in the human world, but do not exist in Equestria.

I think that's the largest hurdle you're facing in this submission. Essentially, you're writing a love story about an Arab man whom is facing discrimination and overcoming it in order to achieve his personal goal; in this case that being the love interest with a woman... except you're using ponies instead of people.

On top of that general, overall issue, how does he use his talent? How, and when, did he discover it, and earn his cutie mark? The story included in the background seems choppy and rushed. You skip from describing him as an outcast right into telling us about talking to his best friend, and then having a date. What happened to being viewed as an outcast?

With all these things in mind, I personally feel there's not a whole lot of usable backstory here. I would suggest going back to the drawing board and keeping the Equestrian universe in mind as you develop the backstory for your OC.

[Flowey!]

Sorry, I was lazy busy, so I couldn't write or even think about the ideas of my OC's biography
You guys can check it out on the OP

[Twilight Sparkle]

Tell us the full story about how he earned his cutie mark. Why was he the only pony able to complete the job? We know the weather teams can construct and conduct rain schedules that include thunderstorms, it's been shown multiple times in the show.

What does he do in the Royal Guard? How does working for them place him in Ponyville?

Additionally, try to go through the submission and check your grammar. Proper sentence structure is a critical part of RP, as one must be able to write fluently in order to immerse their actions in the environment while also describing them for other RPers to follow. I'd suggest taking a look through a few RP threads to gen a general understanding of the writing style.

[Flowey!]

I apologize for the late reply.

Tell us the full story about how he earned his cutie mark. Why was he the only pony able to complete the job? We know the weather teams can construct and conduct rain schedules that include thunderstorms, it's been shown multiple times in the show.

Well, since I lack some idea about this situation, I've changed his cutie mark story.
I've also noted that he is not as fast as rainbow dash to follow OC submission rules.

What does he do in the Royal Guard? How does working for them place him in Ponyville?

Well, as you can see, I've edited that he patrols all over Equestria and searches for threats against Equestra.

Additionally, try to go through the submission and check your grammar. Proper sentence structure is a critical part of RP, as one must be able to write fluently in order to immerse their actions in the environment while also describing them for other RPers to follow. I'd suggest taking a look through a few RP threads to gen a general understanding of the writing style.

Well, I apologize for that.
English is not my first language.

[Twilight Sparkle]

he reached to the finish line and he achieved three awards: His cutie mark, his first place cup and he broke Equestria's record on fastest filly.

This implies being capable of flying fast enough to produce a Sonic Rainboom, as well as being (at some point) faster than Rainbow Dash. Neither of these can be allowed.

So, he was recruited in Pegasi royal guards "They are like Air forces in real life", his job is to patrol and to fly all over equestria with his guards to check if there is a threat against Equestria.

This is real life. There's no "Air Force" to be spoken of in this universe, as conceivably the entire military might of Equestria is encompassed within the bonded power of six teenage girls. Patrolling Equestria is fine, however, you're going to want to have him be in Ponyville for some reason, as this is where the RP generally takes place.

Ponies in Ponyville are proud of him and they respect him for serving his kingdom...This is how every citizen in Ponyville views Sapphire beam.

You cannot godmod or predetermine how the public will perceive your character. You could say he comes off as ostentatious, or perhaps that he displays valiance in all his actions, but how other characters take to you is up to them, not yourself.

Also, I didn't make it clear in my last mention, but we're not going to be complete grammar nazis. I know English isn't your first language, and it's fine if you make mistakes, but we just need to be confident you'll be able to write in an RP style enough that others can generally understand. The bulk of your submission exists in a form which is essentially a bulleted, outlined list of points, while RP is generally going to be first-person paragraph-style, with dialog mixed in. This is why I suggested you look at RP threads, to grow accustomed to that writing style.

[Flowey!]

This implies being capable of flying fast enough to produce a Sonic Rainboom, as well as being (at some point) faster than Rainbow Dash. Neither of these can be allowed.

Well then, I'll remove this "Equestrian record part"

This is real life. There's no "Air Force" to be spoken of in this universe, as conceivably the entire military might of Equestria is encompassed within the bonded power of six teenage girls. Patrolling Equestria is fine, however, you're going to want to have him be in Ponyville for some reason, as this is where the RP generally takes place.

All right, I'll remove "Air forces" part, leave patrolling Equestria part and add some parts in Ponyville since the RPing would require him to be in Ponyville like you've said in your post.

You cannot godmod or predetermine how the public will perceive your character. You could say he comes off as ostentatious, or perhaps that he displays valiance in all his actions, but how other characters take to you is up to them, not yourself.

and remove this part as well.

Also, I didn't make it clear in my last mention, but we're not going to be complete grammar nazis. I know English isn't your first language, and it's fine if you make mistakes, but we just need to be confident you'll be able to write in an RP style enough that others can generally understand. The bulk of your submission exists in a form which is essentially a bulleted, outlined list of points, while RP is generally going to be first-person paragraph-style, with dialog mixed in. This is why I suggested you look at RP threads, to grow accustomed to that writing style.

I understand
I'll try my best to keep these grammatical mistakes to minimum.
and to look at some submissions by people who are decent linguistics.

[Flowey!]

@Twilight Sparkle Biography is edited now.

[Twilight Sparkle]

Accepted.