My Little Pony: Will Of Fire

[Muffet]

-snip the wall of text-

You should work on paragraphs, spelling, grammar, and other aspects of basic English. It's nearly impossible to read this wall of text as is, but the broken English certainly isn't helping. I'm not really sure you're writing accurately to the characters you're trying to depict either, and your protagonist seems to be more of an ass than anything, which brings in to question why anypony would like him. Trixie and Gilda were both met with unfriendly reactions from the Mane 6, both even being run out of town (more or less) as a result. I get what you're trying to do here, but maybe you should take @Totoro 's advice and go to fimfiction where people are more skilled at writing can critique your work. And maybe use more OCs instead of canon characters.

[DragonDan2453]

Yeah at the beginning he's like that, but he changes throughout MLP:WOF
Mainly in the 1st season the only person he feels comfortable around is Twilight
Right now I still have to get to the part where he visits everyone, then Twilight, then the next day he picks Twilight, then there's the wedding, and that's the end of chapter 1

[Muffet]

Yeah at the beginning he's like that, but he changes throughout MLP:WOF
Mainly in the 1st season the only person he feels comfortable around is Twilight
Right now I still have to get to the part where he visits everyone, then Twilight, then the next day he picks Twilight, then there's the wedding, and that's the end of chapter 1

Have you considered that that might be a lot of progression in so little time? There's hardly even time for a story. He just goes from being an ass to marrying Twilight and being friendly with everyone in a couple of days? I'm not seeing any opportunity for character development, and to use canon characters you have to write them as they are presented in the original show or nobody will like it. Twilight will not marry someone she just met, even if she fell in love quickly. She'd get caught up in planning a wedding, trying to predict the future, and I'm pretty sure she'd want to wait awhile to even see if they're compatible. You know, the reason people date before getting married.

As many have said, by all means have at it with writing your story, but don't expect high praise or even interest if you don't research the characters you're writing or give your story time to let things progress at a comfortable and natural pace.

[Cyrus]

So, I somehow managed to read that "chapter"...

It's bad. Like, really bad.

The grammar is off in many places, you switch between present and past tense, there is literally no pacing to it, and your descriptive is literally just "and then they did this, and then they did this, and then they went here, and then they said this". None of the characters act in character, except possibly your Alicorn OC who can act however you want him to act as there is no basis for him in canon. The complete lack of paragraphs make the whole thing a wall of text, which would be bothersome to read even if it was written well.
Furthermore, like @Trixie said, your protagonist isn't likable at all. Not even remotely. The idea that you plan to have him develop and then marry Twilight, in a single chapter, indicates that you haven't really thought things through in a whole lot of detail.
I'm sorry to say it, but at the current level of effort and thought, your "goldmine" won't go very far at all.

[DragonDan2453]

No, he's only comfortable around Twilight at the beginning.


It takes him till season 2 to get conformable around everyone else
Which is about 25 episodes.

[Pwny Express]

No, he's only comfortable around Twilight at the beginning.


It takes him till season 2 to get conformable around everyone else
Which is about 25 episodes.

Who do you think is going to wait 25 whole episodes for the main character to become likeable? It generally only takes an episode or two for people to decide if they like a show before they stop watching.

[Cyrus]

No, he's only comfortable around Twilight at the beginning.


It takes him till season 2 to get conformable around everyone else
Which is about 25 episodes.

There's a difference between being uncomfortable with someone and being an ass towards them.
Also, how come he is more comfortable with Twilight than with any of the others? Would Twilight really agree to marry him if he isn't friends with her friends?

[DragonDan2453]

Now I need to write the parts where Flareon visits everyone at their houses
Then the wedding, and that will be it for the 1st chapter


You guys are thinking along the lines of MLP:FIM
MLP:WOF isn't MLP:FIM, it's not as lovey-dovy, I love you, you love me, let's all be family"
Flareon at the beginning isn't just going to be like "I love you guys, let's be friends"
Hell no, just no

[Cyrus]

Now I need to write the parts where Flareon visits everyone at their houses
Then the wedding, and that will be it for the 1st chapter


You guys are thinking along the lines of MLP:FIM
MLP:WOF isn't MLP:FIM, it's not as lovey-dovy, I love you, you love me, let's all be family"
Flareon at the beginning isn't just going to be like "I love you guys, let's be friends"
Hell no, just no

Even not expecting that, your character is STILL unlikable, even if he's not gonna go straight into the whole "let's be friends" thing.

[DragonDan2453]

Flareon is a jerk in the beginning but he changes
Just like a character does in a story