OC: Valiance

[Seventeen]

Name: Valiant Velocities, but her real name is Valiance de Columbiana.

Gender: Female

Approximate Age: 13 1/2

Description: A off white almost cream body and wings, a pale tan and diamond white mane that's striped like Rainbow Dash, dark vermillion eyes that have flecks of moderate cerise and bright red staggered across her eyes in rare places, and she has light cream colored hooves.

Background: Valiance de Columbiana, or Valiant Velocities to her friends, was a member of the prestigious de Columbiana family and a respected one as well. Being the only child ment that she was the only heir to the fortune and 10,000,000 bit fortune, so she was NOT allowed to be allowed outside without permission and strong supervision and protection. Even though Valiance tried to fit in during school, a upperclassman couldn't really see eye to eye to lowerclassmen and their interests. Almost nervous whenever somepony tried to comment on her family and fortune, she couldn't take public school anymore, and requested to be tutored.

A few years later, Vailance was 9 and her parents had to go to Saddle Arabia due to their jobs as Canterlot Guard. They left Vailance with her uncle, Dark Labyrinth de Columbiana, whom was very dark yet intelligent. He resided in Ponyville's Center, a rather upper class place that suited Valiance to the T. He forced Valiance to do only one thing: to go to a non private school and to make friends she would remember. Her first day was hard, but eventually, she made 3 friends and now, she's not afraid of being judged.

Personality: Shy, Artistic, Loves to fly, enjoys schoolwork (on occasions), she also enjoys being with friends.

Cutie Mark and Story: Her cutie mark is a ornate wedding dress that's full of detail and has a long train. She received the mark by walking by a dress shop and seeing said dress. It was crazy expensive and Valiant Velocities loved it. She looked at it and whinnied with glee..

She also had to walk home to her home in the Center Ponyville area from the outer ring of Ponyville. In the dark. Wanting to get it over with, Valiant Velocities goes up in the sky and flew above everything. As she flew at her top speed, 230 MPH, she didn't stop thinking of the dress. As she flew, her flank glimmered. Also ignoring that as well, she landed at her house horrified, but with her cutie mark.

Use: Both Rp's, but mostly forum.

Other: She enjoys a good Daring Do novella, and she looks up to Rainbow Dash almost like Scootaloo, except she keeps it to herself.

[Seventeen]

This is my first OC in a really long time, and I did it on Mobile, so it was rather tricky.

State your honest opinion, but comment fairly and give good advice.

OK, let's begin.

[Rarity#1]

Hey there @Dark Pasts

I have a couple of things I'd like to mention. First of all, your OC's eyes seem... unnecessarily overdone. It really just comes off as an attempt to make them stand out without making them really unique (this effect is compounded by the fact that she has Rainbow Dash's manestyle). In regard to the family's move when she was 9... why would being Canterlot Guards necessitate moving to Saddle Arabia? And, for that matter, how would one come to be excessively wealthy (at least, that's how the family seems to be portrayed) by being simple guardsponies? What does it mean that her uncle was "Dark"? In what way was he intelligent? Did this have any effect on her, what was it?

In the cutie mark section, you state that her cutie mark is a wedding dress that she saw and liked. When creating a cutie mark, keep in mind that it should reflect a bit of the pony's natural talent. Think of the Mane 6 and how they received their cutie marks. They got them by doing something at which they would come to excel. Based on the story given, all I could think of for a talent for Valiance is that she's really good at thinking about clothes. I suppose that's a claim that you could make but it seems rather unsatisfying in terms of creating a character. As a side note, instead of trying to give a definite number for her flight speed, give a relative, qualitative value. Say something like, "She's a bit faster than x but slower than y". We really don't have a firm way of comparing units from our world to Equestria, so it's probably better not to try.

And just a quick note about Rainbow Dash. Your character can't have a pre-existing relationship with her, but I suppose looking up to her would be acceptable.

If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a PM, otherwise I'll be looking forward to any updates you might make!

[Seventeen]

Hey there @Dark Pasts

I have a couple of things I'd like to mention. First of all, your OC's eyes seem... unnecessarily overdone. It really just comes off as an attempt to make them stand out without making them really unique (this effect is compounded by the fact that she has Rainbow Dash's manestyle). In regard to the family's move when she was 9... why would being Canterlot Guards necessitate moving to Saddle Arabia? And, for that matgter, how would one come to be excessively wealthy (at least, that's how the family seems to be portrayed) by being simple guardsponies? What does it mean that her uncle was "Dark"? In what way was he intelligent? Did this have any effect on her, what was it?

In the cutie mark section, you state that her cutie mark is a wedding dress that she saw and liked. When creating a cutie mark, keep in mind that it should reflect a bit of the pony's natural talent. Think of the Mane 6 and how they received their cutie marks. They got them by doing something at which they would come to excel. Based on the story given, all I could think of for a talent for Valiance is that she's really good at thinking about clothes. I suppose that's a claim that you could make but it seems rather unsatisfying in terms of creating a character. As a side note, instead of trying to give a definite number for her flight speed, give a relative, qualitative value. Say something like, "She's a bit faster than x but slower than y". We really don't have a firm way of comparing units from our world to Equestria, so it's probably better not to try.

And just a quick note about Rainbow Dash. Your character can't have a pre-existing relationship with her, but I suppose looking up to her would be acceptable.

If you have any questions, feel free to drop me a PM, otherwise I'll be looking forward to any updates you might make!

OK, close this thread... I need time... Too much being balanced here. I'll PM you or Twilight when I come up with ideas and all of my missing schoolwork is caught up.

[Rarity#1]

Closing on request of OP