I like the story to bring him to Ponyville. You mention that he owns a business, what kind of business is it? Is it a shop of some sort? Try and include that
I took a look at your character's cutie mark story and it looks like you actually shortened it since the last edit
When thinking about what to write for your character's cutie mark, think back to The Cutie Mark Chronicles episode where the mane 6 all share their own stories of how they got their cutie marks. There should be a meaningful story attached to your character getting their cutie mark, it's meant to be something that really helped them grow, and that's the kind of thing that we want to hear about in your OC submission!