OC:Apple

[Apple]

Name-Apple

Gender-Female

Species-Unicorn

Age(in human ages)-9

Picture or/and description-

Spoiler: Apple 

Background-When she was born, Apple was called, Sneaky Apple, too.Apple's mom and dad called her like that because she was sneaking to the every part of her small house:She was born for adventure.When Apple was grown up (2-3 ages), her parents started to take her out for a stroll and she was so exited when she was seeing trees and birds on them.Apple loved trees, and other things that live.When she was 4 ages old, Apple was a cute filly and she started to go out alone.Even is it was windy, Apple didn't came back until her mom and dad call her:Apple was a good filly.When the time was UP, Apple needed to leave.She was 8. But her mom and dad said her that she can go out for adventure, far and far away to find her cutie mark.Apple last time saw her mom and dad, and then was looking for adventure.Apple walked far away, and found Ponyville.She was suprised that she haves a home there.Apple was happy to live in Ponyville because there were more trees, animals, flowers and other thngs that live and breath.But something was missing:Adventure.Apple often takes a stroll to find a adventure but whit no luck.That's why she left Ponyville for a short time, and started a adventure.Apple walked long and saw a tree.A mysterious tree.An apple tree!Apple stared at it but nothing moved, make a sound or anything else.Apple was bored and then, leaved.Then she found an apple.She was thinking that something or someone is following her.It was so late and Apple was awake.She saw a red firefly and then she followed it.The firefly gived her a nice living tree to see:This was not an apple tree.This tree smelled more, even bugs walked no it...It was a better tree than the apple one.Apple didn't know the name of it, even who made it, or when is made.Apple tried to pick up a fruit but she picked up everyfruit that was on the tree:Apple loved that tree and the tree loved Apple.Apple saw a mysterious light on her and she saw a cutie mark!It was the fruit from the tree.Apple thanked the tree but beofre she leaved, She put on the tree a ribbon that she loves the most.Apple came back to Ponyville, so happy for meeting a very weird, new friend, a tree.She learned that your friends can be only those that will love you and help you when you need and care about you but you must love, help and care for them.Apple was visiting the tree every day.They were so happy of each other.Apple never forgot the tree and the tree never forgot Apple.They were happy because they are very best friends.

Cutie mark-The cutie mark is the fruit that she found that simbolizes her wish for adventure and sharing.

Use-RP Shoutbox

Other-You can go whit Apple for adventure every time!Even in the middle of the night!

[Twilight Sparkle]

Take a look at some accepted submissions (the ones with thumbs-ups next to them) to see what we're looking for regarding length and detail. This is much too short!

Additionally, please take a look in the "Info Desk" forum at the rules, and ensure you are using the required OC format, found in a sticky within the Character Submissions section.

[Twilight Sparkle]

Needs a specified species, please.

No offense, but I have no idea what this submission even says. It appears to be a bulleted-list type format, drawn out into sentences. There is very little to no chronological flow, and the basis of her life is not understandable. However, from what you have I can take the following:

> Europe does not coexist with Equestria.

> She has what you describe as essentially a suicidal bout of depression when she moves to Ponyville. This is not acceptable.

> Apple is an Applejack clone. The name is close, the cutie mark and its story is very much the same, and she has canon relations with the character (which also cannot be allowed). Sorry, but OC's need to be just that -- original.

Regardless of the content in the OC submission itself, the grammar and sentence logic is not allowable in an RP environment. Role-playing is no different that writing a story, and stories must be written in a way that the reader can logically understand, follow, and make sense of the words they are seeing. RP posts are intended to create specific imagery through the use of dialogue, descriptions, and additional content. This submission is designed for us to test that ability of RP applicants. Please ensure you use proper spelling, grammar, and sentence structure when working on this OC submission. If we cannot comprehend what it is you're trying to tell us, the RPers won't be able to either!

[Nightseeker]

You need a LOT more content. It isn't my job as an RP mod, as I'm not one, but I'd like to help anyway. You need a lot more content here, as just putting a few words in it isn't enough to provide a good enough background. You need to describe what has shaped your OC's personality, and life. Just saying "They're happy" isn't the same as giving a reason why.

In the end, this isn't anywhere near good enough, and it need a full life story on your pony, personality traits, who it knows, how it acts, and a few other crucial features of her.

[Eris]

You need a LOT more content. It isn't my job as an RP mod, as I'm not one, but I'd like to help anyway. You need a lot more content here, as just putting a few words in it isn't enough to provide a good enough background. You need to describe what has shaped your OC's personality, and life. Just saying "They're happy" isn't the same as giving a reason why.

In the end, this isn't anywhere near good enough, and it need a full life story on your pony, personality traits, who it knows, how it acts, and a few other crucial features of her.

It seems that they're updating in chunks - give them time to finish.

[Oborawatabinost]

You need a LOT more content. It isn't my job as an RP mod, as I'm not one, but I'd like to help anyway. You need a lot more content here, as just putting a few words in it isn't enough to provide a good enough background. You need to describe what has shaped your OC's personality, and life. Just saying "They're happy" isn't the same as giving a reason why.

In the end, this isn't anywhere near good enough, and it need a full life story on your pony, personality traits, who it knows, how it acts, and a few other crucial features of her.

It seems that they're updating in chunks - give them time to finish.

If a mod has already commented on the thread, just let the mod tell the user what needs or does not need to be changed. They know what they are looking for after all.

[Apple]

I agree whit Noi.I listened To Twilight, and Nightmare Moon, and now, nobody posts comments!Like magic!Anyway...I tried to make it good i think more than 5 times...Weird

[Twilight Sparkle]

Apple seems to be rather young to be living on her own and adventuring by herself. Even if she spends most of her time in Ponyville, the Cutie Mark Crusaders are assumed to be around age 8 or 9, and they still need to be looked after. If you would like for her to be away from her parents, as you implied in your post, where does she live in town?

The next thing I'm having a hard time understanding is her adventure. Where did she go? What exactly made this apple tree so special? I see that you say it's not an apple tree, yet it seems to be. The writing overall is still difficult to understand.

Last is her cutie mark. Cutie marks are symbols of a pony's talent. You can usually guess what a pony is good at by her talent, but fruit does not come off as adventurous. If you do still wish to use fruit, is the tree's fruit an apple? Make sure you write up the cutie mark story as well, telling it from Apple's perspective, much as we have seen the Mane 6 do in the show.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about it, then we'll review it again!