OC Water star

[bonestar097]

Name: water star
Race: Pegasus
Gender: mare
Appearance: dark blue with jewelry on her hooves.
Cutie mark: a whip made of water, at full speed she creates a harmless water bolt on rare occasion it may create a rainbow
Age: 17
Background: she was born in Cloudsdale and her parents were a Pegasus named skyloo and a unicorn named fire star. Water star at a young age was a excellent flyer she mastered flying when she was 9. She has a unicorn brother named lava born. She had many rival due to her pride and her arrogance. Her mom worked at the weather factory and her father a rich business man.

Job: A wonderbolt

Abilities: can move smoothly though rough weather but can stain easily if she is not careful.

Use: you can use it in any roleplay

Personality: arrogant,prideful and very flirty.

Hobbies flying and working out.

Skill: master flier,a good talker and very smart near genius level.

[Lyssea]

@bonestar097
Thank you for your submission! Unfortunately there is a few little things that needs to be dealt with.

First of all we would like an explanation for what you mean with the cutiemark. You write that it "at full speed she creates a harmless water bolt on rare occasion it may create a rainbow". Is the cutiemark randomly shooting bolts of water? Or is this the effect of her cutiemark?

You say that she was born in cloudsdale, yet her dad is a unicorn. Did he buy a house beneath the city? Cloudsdale is a city of clouds, after all.

We have to say no to her being a warlord. While Equestria may have some minor strife it certainly doesn't have enough for there to be warlords of any kind - and even if there was the royals would hardly allow an evil warlord run rampart through Equestria without sending soldiers to apprehend Water Star.
It also seems to clash rather badly with her abilities and cutiemark. She is a good flyer in story weather, something that does not exactly scream 'mercenary warlord' to us. And how exactly does she "stain" in rough weather?

Finally we have to simply say no to her 'hobbies'. Even if she were to be more unfriendly or evil we just don't find 'raiding' or 'looting' as something that would be acceptable. Hunting dragons seems like the thing you only do once, seeing how dangerous they have been shown to be... and you have not once mentioned any skills in smithing.

Quite frankly we would suggest removing the fighting from the character. The basics you have of a mare who is good at flying in the storms is an ability that can give both story-opportunity and great hooks for others to interact with you ( Rough-weather message delivery comes to mind, for example ). Keeping her rude or arrogant is completely fine, but you might wish to dial down on 'evil'. Nobody wishes to interact with someone who is evil for anything but to fight them - and that isn't really good for anything going on for a while.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. Otherwise edit back and notify me.

[bonestar097]

It is the effect of her cutie mark and her father lives in canterlot.

[Lyssea]

@bonestar097

We see only a couple of issues left, both easily solved.

We ask you to change 'Wonderbolt' to at least 'Wonderbolt applicant'. Rainbow Dash is the fastest pony alive, and even she has yet to become a wonderbolt - presumably due to age-restrictions or the likes.

We also ask you to remove the 'near genius'.

With this we'd be delighted to approve of this application - and just in time for Nightmare Night as well!