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  • Results 1 to 6 of 6
    1. #1
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      OC: Diamond Lust

      “Night is certainly more novel and less profane than day.”

      Name: Diamond Lust

      Sex: Mare

      Species: Unicorn

      Approximate age: 21

      Picture and/or Description: A coat of pristine white covers her small, nearly foal-like body; A mane of brilliant, near electrical blue flows down to her shoulder blades in a thick, sometimes, especially in the mornings, messy cascade. Her tail, same color and lushness of her mane flows, after rising into the air in a small wave, however it pleases, down to maybe a hoof off the ground. All of the color seems to be almost hoof-crafted to enhance any source of light, no matter how small, to better illuminate dark places. Her eyes, more used to darkness of deep caves, have a nearly ever-present slight squint, giving her a somewhat ponyriental look. Her irises, one deep diamond red, other frozen diamond blue, depending on the lights around both glint black or white, whenever she is excited.. or inebriated.

      Background: Born to a loving couple, Relentless pick and Core Seer, two miners. Grew up mostly in the mountains and the nearby village, spending a lot of her time in the mines honing her craft and talent. Fairly well educated in the fields of geometry, physics, and geology, for her parents were adamant that the best approach to mining is the smart approach to mining. Ofttimes she could be found wandering down to the nearby village where she liked to interact with the locals, as well as with the occasional wanderer. The wanderers were the ones to truly interest her though, for, the locals, all nice ponies for the most part, were perfectly content to live their lives out following unchanging motions from cradle to grave, and to Diamond that was just something that seemed wrong. It was from one of these wanderers that, a day before her twenty first birthday, she heard many a tale of adventures and more! And most of them came from a little village called Ponyville. Then and there Diamond decided that the world and it's many adventures called.
      A small birthday party, bittersweet goodbyes, and an avalanche of advice from her parents was the next couple days for Diamond. Then, on a frosty February morning, she set off, saddlebags full of supplies, goal clear in sight, and a stomach-full of butterflies.

      Personality: Cheerful and bright, as she used to joke, "It suits my fur." Never really giving into sadness, feeling that every new day is something that will bring something new, even if it is just new thoughts, and that a life like that cannot be stolen by sadness. From a young age she has had a quick temper, but preferred to settle things with words.. for the most part. Having had the first taste of spirits at a fairly young age, she found it to be to her liking, and, on occasion, gets carried away when having a drink; she is a talkative drunk, sometimes losing thread of sense and talking gibberish, but threads of logic usually are woven in what she says. She also has a bad habit of getting tunnel vision when encountering something she feels can be cut perfectly, be it a gem, or something like an argument. She is also very stubborn - if she thinks she is right, she will defend her position quite fiercely; a couple times she has even gotten into a brawl over a disagreement over fairly simple things.

      Cutie Mark: Diamond got her cutie mark in a surprisingly quick and simple way: It was her sixth birthday, and her parents had allowed her to go out in the mines by herself for the first time. Overjoyed at her newfound freedom she skipped through the familiar tunnels not paying too much attention to what is around. A jaunty tune in her heart and on her lips, she turned down a new tunnel that she hadn't been taken to before, and would have continued to skip ahead carefree, but something caught her attention. It was a deep crack in the wall with the side of a gem barely visible through it. Now, gems aren't an uncommon sight in a mine like this, but that one just somehow had caught her gaze. She reached into her small saddlebag and pulled out her miniature pick and began on working to extract the gem.

      A good half an hour later, the dirt-covered filly finally managed to pull the lumpy diamond out of the wall. She brought it to her nose with her magic and looked at it carefully. She somehow felt that there is a shape in it, a shape covered with excessive.. stuff of itself, she tried to explain it to herself as she continued to gaze into the stone. Finally, she set it down and raised the pickaxe tentatively. After letting it hover over the slab for a little while, she took a deep breath, and concentrated her magic to bring the point of the pick in a very special spot that.. felt right, and, to her surprise, the slab nearly shattered, chunks falling off the sides, as well as some dust rising off of it. "I broke it.." she thought to herself dejectedly for a moment, until all the excessive pieces fell away, revealing a a gem that sparkled like none she had seen before.

      Mere minutes later she had run back to her parents, the sparkly gem in mouth. "MOMF, DAA!" she shouts around the gem as she runs up to her parents, who were looking at her curiously, first because of the commotion, but soon because of all the lights playing on the walls ahead of their daughter. "Where did you find this?" Relentless asks after taking a close look at the gem. "I made it out of a dull one!" Diamond answers happily, almost jumping in place of excitement. "Did you rea-..." He begins to ask, but stops as he sees his daughter's flank, and bursts out in a laugh. "That's my daughter!" He shouts mirthfully, " a chip *snort* of the old block!" he finishes, picking up Diamond and wrapping her in a tight hug. "Huhwha?" is all Diamond manages to get out in response. As an answer, Relentless just smiles and points at her flank where a two perfect diamonds split apart by a gold pickaxe can be seen.

      Use: Shoutbox.

      Other:Never really liking bright lights too much, she preferred the night, oftentimes finding a tunnel, or just plain digging one when she felt it is nighttime, to go up and look at the stars and the moon. Never having herd the tale of Nightmare Moon, she often found herself looking up at the image of the pony on the moon and thinking to herself, "Who created the moon like that? Who sculpted the starry skies?" but she never questioned anypony about it, preferring to enjoy the beauty rather than trying to figure out it's origin.

      Years working in the mines have left Diamond quite strong. Normally her frame isn't too notably strong, if a tiny bit bulky, but if she exerts herself, a strong network of wiry muscles can be seen shifting underneath her fur.

      Lack of contact with too many other unicorns, and mainly home schooling have left her with little magical ability - not more then basic levitation, though that she can use to even shift fairly large boulders, as well as manipulating small and delicate things.

      The same lack of contact and homeschooling left her a little ignorant of the world, but Diamond is quick-witted, sharp, and picks things up with relative ease.
      Last edited by Diamond Lust; 02-15-2014 at 09:28 AM.

    2. #2
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      Dear @Diamond Lust

      Thank you for your submission! Unfortunately there are a few issues we need to talk about before accepting this.

      First of all, we are honestly not sure if what you are describing about her eyes is that they change color or not. You may wish to clarify this. ( You may also wish to use "iris" rather then "pupil". The iris is the colored part, the pupil is the black center )

      The background story has a few flaws. The first one is the giant cave of diamonds. It is there for no disconcernable reason, it turns the two ponies young and 'eager' and allows the mare to become pregnant, yet again without a real reason, and then it finally just disappears until years later when they die on it.
      It is a major plotpoint, yet have no explanation or reason for existing besides for the sake of the plot. We honestly would prefer if you removed it, alternatively give a really really good explanation for it.

      She also seems -incredibly- okay with the fact that her parents are gone and that her entire life have suddenly been turned on its head - not even a sob or a moment of confusion is rather impressive.

      You mention that she is uneducated, and we would like to know to what extent. Being that she was born and raised in a shack in the middle of nowhere would suggest she is not able to read or write, and most likely have little understanding of history, geographics, language, mathematics or really anything we would take for granted. She most likely wouldn't have a good understanding of personal hygene or how to socialize either.

      And finally we are curious how she would meet others. She is only out at night, when most ponies are asleep, and if she is housed in tunnels she more then likely is not in Ponyville itself ( we can't imagine that anyone would be too happy to have some random pony dig tunnels and build giant piles of dirt in the middle of town ).

      If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me. Otherwise just edit back and PM/Mention me, and we'll have a second look.
      The Emperor Protects.

      Praised be the Omnissiah.

      Hydra Dominatus!

    3. #3
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      It was a soft winter morning when Diamond, after having a brisk wash up in a chilling stream, was rushing back into the warmth of the shack. Quick step, trot, and finally gallop was her speed as she more and more realized that no matter how soft, winter is still winter, especially in the mountains. "Why didn't I bring a toweeeEEEEEEE!" she began to berate herself a moment before the light cover of snow broke beneath her hooves and she fell down a hole she knew wasn't there the day before.
      "Ow..." Diamond groaned as she rolled to her side, off of her now tender derriere - the only casualty of the surprisingly long slide downwards. "Now where.." Diamond murmured to herself, blinking the daylight away from her eyes, already her sight adjusting to the darkness of the cave, "am... I? Her question to self ending in a small squeak as she saw what else was in the cave with her.
      "M-.. My cave of conquest..!" came a hesitant answer from a creature that seemed as surprised startled as Diamond.
      Diamond slowly tilted her head to the, the angle marking the progression of curiosity battling over dominance with surprise. "What are you?" she finally asked after a short while of the two looking at each other, one openly displaying curiosity, the other attempting to put on a defiant or brave face, "or maybe that is how they normally look..." Diamond found herself musing.
      "I..." the creature growled to himself, shook his head, and continued in a somewhat raspy voice, "I am Lacius Maximus, a brave warrior of Diamond Dogs!" The dog seemed to fuel his bravery with the words as with every next one he stood straighter and straighter.
      "Oh," Diamond said while straightening up herself, "My name is Diamond. Pleased to meet'cha!"
      The cheerful answer seemed to have surprised the dog as much as the sudden arrival of the pony, making Lacius lose his posture and shrink back slightly.
      Diamond blinked at that and, after a more careful look at the dog and getting a feeling that Lacius must be quite young, younger than her even, and offered the pup a big smile. "So," she began in a more sedate tone, "who does a big and brave warrior such as you fight then?"
      The tactic seemed to be successful as the dog straightened back up and even managed a grin, "I do not fight," Lacius began, word by word speaking more freely, even boastfully, "I protect my pack form the terrifying, white Banshee!"
      "Oh my!" Diamond exclaimed, warming up to the little 'hero', "..what's a banshee?" she finished, looking slightly sheepish.
      "Oh! A banshee is really a white pony... Pa Fido told me all about the terrible pony who's wail could drive a dog mad!" Lacius replied excitedly, "He warned to stay away of the ponies, especialy of white un.. oun... ones with a horn!" he finished almost not missing a beat.
      Diamond blinked, "Unicorns?"
      "Yeah!" the pup replied excitedly, "Nasty buggers the lot of 'em! So says Pa."
      Hearing that Diamond quickly turned away and adjusted her mane to cover up her, thankfully, small horn, hoping the pup wouldn't notice. "So..." she began turning back to him, "are you protecting your pack all by yourself?"
      Lacius' ears drooped at the question and he looked down. "I... I am... lo-..." Suddenly he perked up again and continued with much more gusto, "My pack is lost and I am looking for them!"
      "Oh my!" Diamond found herself saying for the second time; talking to children must be some sort of an art... I would never want to be a teacher.. she quickly shook her head, getting back to the current train of thought, "Would you like some help in looking for them?"
      The battle between pride and fear of being lost was almost comically animated, the pup's face contorting in the silliest grimaces, before the bigger concern won out and he gave an affirmative nod, "I will accept your help for the good of the pack!"
      "Great!" Diamond exclaimed, a beaming smile on her muzzle. "Now then, where did you see your pack last?"
      "I was with Ma-.. My pack!" he quickly corrected himself, "in a tunnel that looked like... liiiike..." He scratched his nose, trying to think of how to explain it and looked at his paw, and blinked. "Like this!" he finally exclaimed, showing his paw.
      "Like..." Diamond tilted her head to the side, trying to figure out what the pup meant before the light of realization shone through, "Oh! You mean a big tunnel that splits off into four small ones?"
      "Yes!" the pup replied, nodding energetically.
      "Then follow me!" Diamond called out turning away before looking back with a grin, "If you think you can keep up with me!" after which she set off at a brisk trot.
      "Wait up!" came the cry behind her, soon followed by the pup, running on all fours to keep up.

      The journey was short and uneventful, and the two soon found themselves nearing the tunnels of which Lacius spoke of.
      "So, what is your favorite gem?" Diamond was asking the pup when the pair suddenly heard shouts coming from up ahead. Hearing them, the pup quickly broke into a run, barelling past Diamond.
      "Hey! Wait up!" Diamond shouted after him, getting her four legs in motion and setting into as much of a gallop as the confined caves allowed. One turn, two, three turns later she was greeted by the sight of a notably bigger dog picking Lacius up in a hug.
      "Lassy! Where were you? Are you alright??" The big dog questioned the pup inbetween showering hi-... her, Diamond corrected herself, with kisses on the forehead and cheeks.
      "I'm alright, mom, jeez!" the pup replied, struggling to get out of the very embarrassing hug. "The white..." here Lassie paused to think of what exactly had been with him in the caves, "..Diamond helped me get back!" she said once finally back on the unembarrassing ground.
      Her mother looked up and finally saw Diamond, thought for a bit, and gave a nod. "Thank you for helping little lassie get back to us safely, pony." At those words Lassie looked up at her mom, then at Diamond, then back at her mom, and again at Diamond, with each turning of her head, her eyes seemed to grow wider and wider. "Pony....?" she half whispered, half yelped, before quickly darting behind her mother's legs and cowering.
      With an embarrassed smile, Diamond gave a small wave back, "Don't mention it, always happy to help others."

      .................................................. .....


      Even years later Diamond still remembers the incident with a laugh and a bit of a confusion, "Watch out for pony with three gems on her flank. She is a witch..." the last words of Lassie's mother remaining a mistery...


      .................................................. .....


      A small story I decided to include since I have a bit more time for fleshing out ^~^


      P.S.
      Oopsie.. got a reply as I was typing this up ^ ^ ;
      But alrighty, I will storm this brain of mine and write up clarifications and explanations to the best of my abilities!
      Last edited by Diamond Lust; 02-13-2014 at 07:11 PM.

    4. #4
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      Thank you for your response, @Diamond Lust

      Before we begin to address the submission we couldn't help but to notice that you are adding more stories to it. While this certainly can be good, we do love to see you have excitement for your character, you might wish to post your stories in a different thread and just link to it. It'd let everyone else actually comment on them ( they are not allowed to comment on these threads unless it is really relevant to the character ).
      Plus it might allow you additional freedom if they are not necessarily canon to the character itself.

      On that topic, it might be good to cut down a bit on the story in the background. Now, don't get us wrong, we like that you have written a lot and is engaged with the character, but the idea behind these are as a general reference. This becomes a bit hard when it is such a detailed story.
      We'd honestly suggest giving us a bit shorter, more summary version here on the application and then add the extended version to a story-thread. It'd make people allowed to comment on that too!

      Now then, let us continue.

      It is good to see that it was only shifts in the light, and not the usual color-changing eyes.

      As for the mountain... while it is a very lovely idea it unfortunately just doesn't seem to fit into our RP-canon, as it doesn't really follow the rules of the world that we have observed from even with your explanation. We need to ask it removed.

      As for the parents, if the only thing you wanted was a string-cutter there are many less permanent and ( by us ) far more encouraged ways to do it. This is because we quite honestly don't like parental deaths, we have seen that plot-point abused before.
      Her reasons for not greaving seems somewhat reasonable, though a hint of sorrow, at least later, might be good to show that she does have a bit of a heart and isn't able to drop people so readily.

      As for the illiterate part, the reason we ask is that 'shack in the mountain' generally do not have a ready supply of books or literature of any kind, particularly not when one is there for the mining rather then a view or travels. People just generally don't like to carry heavy bags for miles if it's not of greater value to them, particularly not on rough terrain. The same go for soap or other luxury items.
      That said we will accept your reasoning for how she have at least the basic abilities expected of an adult in Equestria, though she may lack the more advanced topics.

      Finally we are happy to see that she does keep to a house, even if she mostly only come out at night.

      If you have any questions or comments, as always, just contact me and I'll be delighted to help you. Otherwise, edit back and then notify me.
      The Emperor Protects.

      Praised be the Omnissiah.

      Hydra Dominatus!

    5. #5
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      Approved.
      Tell me if you need RP permissions.
      The Emperor Protects.

      Praised be the Omnissiah.

      Hydra Dominatus!

    6. #6
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      @Lyssea
      Yeah, the permissions would be quite appreciated, I can't wait to see Ponyville through the shoutbox!

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