A big question

Throughout my life never really pondered on certain things recently. Most of my years I found myself not caring about my feelings. In a sense at this point in time i don't even understand myself. :/

Let me start off by saying that my biggest fear is being left out and alone. Ive been an outcast most of my life,and whenever a friendship with me would dwindle I'd break down and crumble at the thought of being tossed aside or just plain out ignored by someone who I once called friend.

The thing is that whenever there's a problem with any of my friendships most of the time it's my fault. I overreact a lot,and I have a tendency to lose my temper. My emotions flip like a coin everyday. At times I just don't feel like talking so I get mad,and make the people that care about me go away,but then I get lonely I realize what I do wrong,and regret every second of it. Despite it all, I always end up fucking up again. This has happened many times. I may have friends that will stick by me,but inside...there's always this doubt. The belief that I'll end up alone is constantly present amidst my feelings.

I may seem serious all the time,but in reality I'm just a depressed piece of shit,that sits in a puddle of his own sadness. I know not why I act this way on a regular. I'm a walking contradiction. People may say I'm not alone,but it sure as hell doesn't feel that way. The world is a big place...but nobody is the same.

I sometimes wonder if there was a reason for me being this backwards,but many events in my past made my belief in god vanish. My situation now being one of them,and the fact that no matter how much I've prayed in the past..no matter how much I hoped. The things I wish would never happen did,several times throughout my life.

In conclusion to my little rant of how I feel. To be honest I'll say I don't even know what I am. I don't know if I strayed from my path or if I had one to begin with. I'm just an emotionally frail 17 year old with no clue as to where he even wants to keep moving forward or not. What's even more painful is I'm getting hit with opinions I never even paid attention to..my mins going in a complete spiral :(

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Chowdah

I sometimes wonder if there was a reason for me being this backwards,but many events in my past made my belief in god vanish.

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Not to make this a thread about religion or anything, but I find that sitting down and thinking about what you DO believe can help. I for one have found myself to be along the lines of agnostic. If you want more info, feel free to send me a PM or a VM and I'll be happy to share my beliefs with you.

As for anger, are there things in particular that upset you and cause you to just be sour all day? I used to be like that, But talking to social workers and learning calming techniques really helped me in the end. Again, feel free to PM or VM me if you want to talk more. This is about you, not me.

Like everyone is going to say: We're all here for you. This is a really close-knit and friendly community we have here. I'm not going to say we'll always be here for you, because some of us may come and go, as any friendship may, but this will always be a safe place for you to talk about your feelings.

I'm not sure where the "big question" comes into this, but in reference to your post itself, you're certainly not the only one who does this. I don't know if that's comforting to hear, but there are plenty of people who act similarly to what you've described and still have friends.

The key is to do these things deemed as "negative" in as controlled of a manner as possible. Rather than letting your emotions get to you and lashing out at your friends, find ways to vent your frustrations or other feelings while you are alone. Things such as writing or even just taking a walk and trying to clear your mind are things that I find very beneficial when I'm feeling down. Of course, this won't completely eliminate your problems and you'll likely still have a few outbursts, but if you can find healthier ways to vent, you'll also make yourself less likely to have big outbursts -- which are usually the ones to ruin friendships.

You won't change all at once, but if you give yourself a chance and change things a little bit at a time, eventually you'll lead yourself to having a big change accumulated and you'll find that you'll be much more likely to keep and make friends. It's not the easiest thing in the world, but this is obviously an issue that is bothering you, so it's very worthwhile.

If you ever need a "punching bag" to vent all your frustrations to, there's always this section or you could just talk to me or probably a few other people on here if you want it to be a little more private.

Just learn how to control your emotions and not piss people off, no offense but your social life sounds like America's Foreign Policy of "fuck everyone but us"

If its possible I'd like for a mod to close this thread :\